REPLAY: Expect the Expected: Managing Disappointment

You can love someone and still feel worn down by the same predictable disappointment. When a relationship keeps giving you the same outcome, hope can start to feel like a trap, especially when you’re doing all the emotional work and waiting for the other person to meet you there.

I’m revisiting a mini episode that listeners kept coming back to because it names a pattern many of us live with: doing the same thing in a relationship and expecting a different result. I call it “expect the expected,” and it’s one of the clearest tools I know for relationship expectations, boundaries, and emotional self-care. We walk through a client example where a big achievement gets shared with a parent, only for the conversation to flip back to the parent’s needs within seconds, and we unpack why that hurts so much.

From there, we talk about what you can do that actually helps: looking at consistent behavior through a clear lens, deciding how you want to show up going forward, and avoiding the trap of trying to change someone with tactics like the silent treatment. Whether the dynamic is mildly disappointing, chronically one-sided, or truly toxic, there’s a continuum of choices you can make to protect your mental health while staying grounded in reality.

If this hits close to home, listen through and reflect on where you’re still negotiating with who someone “should” be. Subscribe for more short, practical insights and share this with a friend who needs it.

Transcript

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Why A Mini Replay Matters

Mary 0:00

Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets. I'm taking some time over these couple months to go back through some of my older episodes and looking at what really resonated with people, reviewing really what dovetails so well with the mission that I had when I started this, and also taking a little bit of time to kind of reevaluate some things in life overall.

The Theme That Keeps Showing Up

Mary 0:34

So I'm replaying some of the episodes that I know have been most impactful to listeners based on my feedback and also some of the ones that have been the most downloaded. And the mini that I have for you this week first aired back in June 2025. And it is a theme that I think I probably find in my work with clients, especially my women in midlife. I would say I find this theme with them nearly 100% of the time. Something in their life is built around continuing to do the same thing in a relationship and expecting a different result. So I call it expect the expected.

Defining Expect The Expected

Mary 1:40

Okay, so I'm gonna talk to you today about expecting the expected. I think we all have those relationships with someone in our life where we feel like they aren't showing up like we're showing up. And sometimes it's been a lifetime of disappointment.

A Mom Who Turns It Around

Mary 2:02

So I'm gonna give you a little example from a client that I worked with. And she was talking to me about her mom. And I had known we'd worked together for several months. So I knew a little about her mom. And she was talking about having a really great accomplishment that happened to her. She achieved something really cool. And the first person she wanted to tell was her mom, which makes sense. So she called her mom and she told her. And within about 45 seconds, her mom turned the conversation around to her life and what was wrong and what was going on. And so, as this client was talking to me about this, you know, how upset she was, and why can't my mom just be there for me and hear me and celebrate my achievements? And I said to her, Well, doesn't your mom always do this? Now I don't like the word always, but this mom's pretty consistent. And she said to me, uh, yeah, she does. I said, so, and she is actually the one that said, I should expect the expected. And I said, Yeah. And we joked about making that into a into a bumper sticker. But I think the thing was that she had this idea of who her mom should be or what a mom should be. And she kept wanting this relationship and wanting her mom to be this person. And I think we all have some of these people. I think there are times where we've invested in something and maybe we do this over and over again. And we think it's going to be different, you know? So it might be somebody that doesn't plan time with us like we plan time with them, or they might cancel often at the last minute. And when it happens, we feel that same disappointment or even hurt, but they always do it, or they do it most of the time. So

Boundaries Without Trying To Control

Mary 4:08

I think when you're in a situation like this, deciding how you want to show up going forward, you might decide you're going to keep doing it, you know, and sometimes with a child that we might decide to do that. That doesn't mean it's the best choice for your mental health, but you can decide how you want to proceed. The thing to be careful about is doing something with the intent to change the other person's behavior. So sometimes the silent treatment, we do that and we think it's going to change somebody else's behavior. So when you're thinking about these relationships, think about how you might want to show up differently. And that might mean that you lean away instead of leaning in. It may mean that if it's truly unhealthy or to the level of toxic, you might decide you don't want to invest anything in that relationship anymore. There's a whole continuum. But I think the first step is really just deciding if this is a situation where you are being shown consistently who this person is. And remember, it's not always something that is um done to hurt you intentionally. We do what we need to do to meet our own needs. So that person maybe has other needs that they're prioritizing. They likely do. So it's not personal, but I think expect the expected and look at behavior through a very clear lens. And then you decide what you need to do going forward for yourself.

Clear Lens And Next Steps

Mary 5:48

Thanks for joining me in today's shorty episode. If you have comments, I would love to hear them. You can text me um individually at the link in the show notes. And stay tuned next week for my next short episode.