Is Empathy Getting in the Way of Healthy Boundaries?

Chasing the reason someone hurt you can feel productive, but it often turns into a maze that drains your energy and delays the one thing that actually helps: a clear boundary. I’m sharing a short, practical mindset shift for anyone who keeps replaying a painful interaction and asking “Why would they do that?” especially when the pattern isn’t new.

We start with a quick update on my upcoming book launch party in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, including what we’ve planned and why registering matters. Then we move into the heart of the mini episode: boundaries are not about control or punishment, they’re about curating what you want to have in your life. When empathy takes over, we can ignore our instincts, tolerate chronic hurt, and accept behavior from close relationships that we would never accept from a stranger.

I break down why “why” is a question therapists often avoid, and how it can trap you in mind-reading and rumination. Instead, I offer a more grounded approach: when behavior is truly unusual in an otherwise safe relationship, ask “what is happening?” But when the hurt is chronic, the motive won’t fix it. That’s the moment to expect the expected, decide what you will allow, and shift how you interact, whether that means a new limit, a new expectation, or stepping away for your own wellbeing.

Sign up for my BOOK LAUNCH PARTY on May 12, 2026 in Lancaster, PA at THIS LINK

Transcript

Welcome And Launch Party Invite

Mary 0:00

Welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets. Before I share my thoughts today, I wanted to give you a quick update. So this episode is dropping on May 4th. Uh, May the 4th be with you. Had to say it, sorry. Um, Monday, May 4th, 2026. My launch party for my book is next week. It's next Tuesday on May 12th in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. If you are in my area, I would so love for you to join us. We have curated such a fun evening. Um, there's a friend of mine that is going to do an interview with me, and she sent me some of her thoughts. And this is like a real like daytime TV interview. I think you're gonna learn a lot, especially if you're already familiar with the book. Well, actually, if you're not, you're gonna learn a lot. Also, there's gonna be merch, there's gonna be prizes, there will be refreshments, a fun photo booth so you can create the memories with your friends. I just think it's gonna be a great time. I do have to know how many people will be attending because, of course, I have to make sure that I have enough free plants. That's one of my giveaways, and I don't want anybody fighting over cupcakes. So um, if you can make it on Tuesday, May 12th at 6 o'clock in Lancaster. And if you can, if you need to come a bit late, that is fine. I just need you to register. The link is in the show notes. It's maryrothwell.net forward slash launch party. I so hope to see you there. Okay. So on to my thoughts for today. As usual, with my minis, often they come from something I came across in something I was reading, or maybe even social media. And sometimes it comes from just situations that I've been involved in. So my thoughts today come from sort of a combination of all of these things. And we talk so much about boundaries, and I hope that that is not a tired subject for you, but I think that oftentimes the idea of boundaries are misunderstood. And different people will tell you it's a different thing or there's a different way to set a boundary. Basically, just think about a boundary as curating what you want to have in your life. And often we have an instinct about this and we ignore it because, especially as women, we try to be understanding. A lot of times, weirdly, what gets in the way of our creating a boundary is our empathy. And so I want to talk about the word why. And so one of the interesting things about why in the therapy process is we typically do not use the word why. We try to avoid it. Sometimes it comes up maybe when we are have been working longer with a client, we have more of a rapport, a deeper connection. But the word why often doesn't matter. And when we think about situations in our lives that have to do with boundaries, we often try to figure out with a person why they are doing what they're doing. So there'll be an action from another person, a comment, a behavior, and we feel some type of way about that. We feel hurt or angry, which angry really grows out of hurt because that's a powerful emotion. Often it comes from something that we may feel is, well, I don't like the word weaker, but we may feel that way, that hurt makes us feel vulnerable, anger makes us feel strong. But we feel a reaction. We don't like what happened, we might feel hurt by it, but often, and again, especially as women, although we haven't cornered the market on this because I know plenty of men who shift to the why. But especially if it's someone close to us, we want to understand their behavior. Why are they doing that? And when we shift into that, then we sort of become mired in what is up with them. And I'm gonna say, yeah, that sometimes there are situations where that is important, but it's important when it's an anomaly, when you have someone who is steady and consistent and you feel connected and safe and it's a good relationship, and then they do something that you're like, what just happened? That would be a time when you want to explore why. And really the better question to ask is what is happening? What has what might be going on that would create that reaction? Because the why we start to delve into somebody's mind, we're never really gonna understand why somebody does something. Because honestly, half the time, don't you wonder why you do things? I know I do. So try to push the why aside. And again, in very specific situations, when the behavior is unusual, you might want to probe what might up what might be happening that has caused that reaction from someone. But also you can talk to that person about it. I'm talking about situations where chronically someone else's behavior hurts you, makes you feel like they don't care about you, um, or are accepting something from someone else that you wouldn't from a stranger. And again, yes, we want more permeable boundaries at times with people that we care about and love. But trying to figure out why someone did something, we can make ourselves nuts because we don't know and probably they don't know. And so you can either address the behavior, or again, if it's chronic, you can just make a decision. This person cannot consistently show up for me in the way I need them to, or the way I show up for them. And that's all. It doesn't need to come from a place of I'm gonna show them, they're gonna be sorry, because then you're still making it sort of about them because you want to punish them, you want to make them see the light that they're treating you a certain way. If you've addressed it, or you feel like, you know, it it's really in your gut, you know, addressing it isn't gonna change anything because you also have to ask yourself, what outcome do you want? And I've said before, you know, one of the ways to think about relationships is to expect the expected. If someone has done the same thing to you many times and you feel hurt by it, maybe it's time to create a different boundary for that relationship, have a different expectation. Or if you feel that it is impacting you to a certain degree that is interfering with your ability to feel content, maybe it's time that relationship isn't part of your life anymore. So if you find yourself searching for a reason for someone's behavior when it's chronic, that is not gonna help you feel better. It's not a way to make a boundary because you know instinctively when something doesn't feel good to you, when it's not serving you, and it's okay to make a well, I'm gonna say the word boundary again. It's okay to make a boundary there and just shift how you interact with that person or that situation. So those are my thoughts today. Again, if you can come and join me for my launch party, it's gonna be a lot of fun. I would so love it. We're putting so much energy into it. And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.