Is Confirmation Bias Hurting You?

We explore how confirmation bias shapes what we notice, how we remember, and how we treat ourselves and others. A childhood label becomes a lens, social media amplifies certainty, and small reframes open space for calmer, truer choices.

• clear definition of confirmation bias and why it spreads online
• story of being labeled shy and how it shaped behavior
• the cost of self-monitoring in meetings and relationships
• misread signals in friendships, marriage and work
• difference between bias, real patterns and gaslighting
• how memory edits to fit old beliefs
• practical reframes and questions to test other explanations

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Chapters

• 1:06 Defining Confirmation Bias
• 1:55 Social Media As A Bias Engine
• 2:24 How Bias Strains Relationships
• 2:41 A Childhood Label Becomes A Lens
• 4:23 Quiet In Meetings And Self-Story
• 5:08 Unworthiness And Everyday Misreadings
• 6:21 Stereotypes, Memory, And Work Dynamics
• 9:55 Reframing With Alternative Explanations

Transcript

Mary: 0:00

Welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets. I'm going to talk today about confirmation bias. Let me give you a quick definition because it's probably something that if you haven't heard the term, it's all around us, especially right now. So confirmation bias is our tendency to look for information in our environment that supports what we already believe. So something may happen, and we're going to interpret it based on a belief we have about the world, about ourselves, or potentially about someone else, and that could be an individual, it could be a whole culture. So social media is a hotbed of confirmation bias because what happens in social media is the algorithm watches for what we look at, what reels we watch, or what we click on, and it's going to give us more of that. So that's not a surprise, right? I think that's something we're all pretty familiar with. I want to talk about how confirmation bias can really be damaging to relationships, or it can really create sort of a foundation for a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression. So I'll give you an example, and actually, I'm going to use myself. This is a story that I share in my upcoming book, which by the way will be out probably in April. Nature knows grow and thrive through the wisdom of plants, which I'm very excited about. But one of the stories I share in there is about my mom calling me backward. Now, that is a term definitely from her generation. It means shy. And she wouldn't just say this to me in private. She would say this to people about me when I was there as a kid. So I am a, I'm, I would say I'm mostly an introvert. On the Myers Briggs, I test as an extrovert. So I'm probably a little bit of both. But when I say introvert, it's someone who recharges by being alone through solitude, through introspection. So while I really love to be with friends, I am a really obviously I enjoy people or I wouldn't do the work I do. But I am probably really an introvert at heart. But as a kid, I was a very shy kid. I watched what was happening before I would say anything. So that's a heavy thing to carry into relationships. Whether it was, you know, in high school, I really was very intimidated by any type of potential romantic relationship. But even in a professional capacity, to identify as backward, it's not a compliment. And so I would look for situations that would confirm that. So if I was in, let's say, a meeting with new people, or let's say I started a new job, I had my tendency of sort of getting the lay of the land. I don't like to talk just to talk in meetings. I would rather know what's really happening, understand that, and then contribute to it. So I tend to be quiet longer until I get to know the situation. And I realized that that definition in my mind paralyzed me. So if I had, when I changed a job, for instance, and I would be in my first meeting with new people, I would be very aware that I wasn't talking and it would get in the way of actually doing what I was good at, which was observing, drawing conclusions, offering summaries, or, you know, offering some ideas. I am past that for the most part, but I would look for situations that confirmed what my mom believed about me. Let's say that you have a deep belief that you're not worthy or no one really likes you. If you have this idea that you're not worthy or people don't care about you, you will interpret simple things as signs that someone does not care about you. So they could be making a decision. Like, for instance, let's say you had a dinner planned with a friend, and at the last minute they texted you and said, I'm so sorry, I can't make it, I'm not feeling well, or something came up with one of the kids, you may automatically doubt that that is true. There might be an automatic thought, like, yeah, right, you probably just don't want to see me. Or if there's a situation, let's say you're married and um you feel like your spouse doesn't want to spend as much time with your family as he does with his own family, you can be looking for situations where that is true. Now, yeah, it may be true, but if you tend to think this always happens, or you become extremely upset, or you've talked about this and shared this with your spouse, and you still feel like it's happening, or you become quite emotional about things because in your mind you are thinking they don't like me, they don't want to be with me. I don't want you to get this confused with gaslighting because sometimes you're right about things. This is a more where you will interpret behavior to back up what you already believe. So on the world stage, we might have these sweeping generalizations or stereotypes about a culture. And so when we see something, we're going to look for, and this is unconscious, but we look for the things that support what we already believe. If we feel that we're not attractive or we are not smart, then we go into a situation with that belief and it will affect our behavior. Sometimes this affects memory. We may look back on our life and recall only the things that support what we believe. So I'll go back to my example. There have been plenty of times, especially more recently, where I have contributed in meetings. Um, and these were things that, you know, I think people interpreted potentially at the time as valuable contributions. But there have also been times where I'll think about something that I suggest and it's pretty much glossed over. And then later, and this, you know, I've talked about this on this show, it maybe a man says it and it's received differently. And so I could interpret that to be, oh, people think I'm stupid, or I could interpret that as there is a socialized response in these situations where people have just been sort of unconsciously taught to acknowledge an opinion from a male. So I think being aware of situations where you might interpret it consistently as my friends don't care about me, or I'm not important, or um I don't have the skill to get ahead at work. These are all sweeping generalizations. And we tend to look at, even if there's one thing that supports that, we'll tend to shine the light on that and not even think about the times when you had maybe kudos in a meeting from a colleague, or when you had some kind of recognition for a project that you did, or you were offered a higher salary because of doing good work? You know, we tend to look at the things that confirm our belief about ourselves. So I think just being aware of that, not only when you're navigating things like social media or news stories, being aware of what else could be true. Is there another, um, could there be another reason that this is happening? Am I interpreting this in a way that is rigid, in a way that may not serve me anymore? So I think being aware of those biases can really open up things for you, can open up avenues you haven't explored, can really shed a lot of anxiety and depression. So that's my thought for today. And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.