Designing Your Joyful Life: Your Strengths are the Key to Your Happiness

Do you ever find yourself wondering if constant overwhelm is just the price of womanhood? If checking all the boxes of success should leave you feeling this depleted? You're not alone.

In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Wendy O'Connor, a Stanford-trained positive psychologist and success coach, we unpack the powerful framework of positive psychology and how it transforms the way we approach mental health and personal fulfillment. Rather than focusing solely on what's wrong, we explore how our natural strengths – even those born from survival mechanisms – can become pathways to thriving.

Dr. Wendy shares her compelling journey from seeing 40 therapy clients weekly while raising three young children (including twins!) to recognizing she was merely surviving rather than thriving. This turning point led her to discover the science of happiness and develop her evidence-based success method that has helped thousands of women worldwide design lives they're obsessed with.

What makes this episode particularly valuable is the practical, actionable guidance. Learn how to audit your time to see where your energy truly goes, identify your character strengths using free assessments, and implement a powerful one-minute morning routine that can transform your entire day. We demystify the process of creating a "life by design" – one aligned with your authentic strengths, values, and desires rather than external expectations.

You'll discover why "thinking positive" isn't enough, how to recognize and reframe automatic thoughts that keep you stuck in overwhelm, and ways to model these principles for your children without becoming "the psychologist mom." Whether you're feeling burned out professionally, stretched thin at home, or simply sensing there must be more to life than constant busyness, this conversation offers both validation and a clear roadmap forward.

Ready to move beyond merely surviving to truly thriving? Listen now, and take the first step toward owning your space, trusting your nature, and flourishing on your terms. 

You can find Wendy HERE.

Connect with Dr. Wendy on Instagram @DrWendyOConnor to learn about her upcoming "Fierce Finishers" masterclass and "Thrive 75" accountability program.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to No Shrinking Violets
• 4:09 Understanding Positive Psychology
• 10:41 Dr. Wendy's Journey from Burnout to Purpose
• 16:18 Life By Design: Reclaiming Your Time
• 24:40 Strengths, Values, and Desires Assessment
• 33:05 Morning Mindset Routine for Better Days
• 41:10 Modeling Positive Psychology for Children
• 52:15 Closing Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

Mary: 0:05

Welcome to no Shrinking Violence. I'm your host, mary Rothwell, licensed therapist and certified integrative mental health practitioner. I've created a space where we celebrate the intuition and power of women who want to break free from limiting narratives. We'll explore all realms of wellness, what it means to take up space unapologetically, and how your essential nature is key to living life on your terms. It's time to own your space, trust your nature and flourish. Let's dive in. Hey Violets, welcome to the show.

Mary: 0:41

In my work with clients, I often start from the framework of positive psychology. In a sense, this is swimming upstream in a world where mental health diagnoses frame treatment. What I mean by that is we're used to talking about clients or, in the medical world, patients, in terms of what's wrong with them. Unfortunately, at least here in the United States, people that need to use insurance to obtain treatment need a diagnosis. Okay, let me explain a bit more, as I'll be talking about this idea of positive psychology with my guest today, and I'll focus on mental health diagnoses, because I'm a licensed trained therapist. So when I get a client who scores high on an assessment for anxiety, or they tell me in their consultation call before booking that they have anxiety, I will often put that kind of to the side in my mind with a little asterisk, because I mean, we all have anxiety and sure it's important to know, as it's the feeling they're focused on. But what I will explore with them is, first, how is the anxiety keeping them from living their best life and where was that seed planted? And that's where I slap on the positive psychology frame, Because first, we're nature, which you hear me say all the time, and second, we adapt to our environment based on our genetic code. First. Okay so adult anxiety typically, but not always, started as a role you had in your family. Example I have a late brother who had both mental health and addiction issues and as a kid who was eight years younger than him, I was often the target of his abuse.

Mary: 2:15

I could have handled that in many ways. I could have acted out to get more of my parents' attention. I could have developed physical issues unconsciously that forced adults to increase their focus on my needs, or I could have recognized that I needed to protect myself from danger and vacate the building. Guess which one I chose? I fled. That was my natural tendency. We all react by fighting, fleeing, freezing or, more complex, fawning. I would go to the woods or lose myself in a book, and I for sure grew into an adult that didn't trust others to take care of me and who, during my dating years, could spot the smell and actions of a problem drinker a mile away.

Mary: 2:56

So what does that have to do with positive psychology? Well, what was my strength? Inner resiliency and self-protection. But here's where it gets tricky. Often, people end up in my office when the instinctive method of survival our strengths often become our weaknesses. Using a frame of positive psychology helps to recognize that first, no one is broken. You acted based on what made sense at the time, but now something like a learned behavior doing everything yourself because you don't trust anyone else can certainly impact the depth of relationships, for example.

Mary: 3:30

Okay, so my guest today is Wendy O'Connor, and she uses positive psychology to help women up-level their success and happiness. Oh, and I follow her on social media and her energy and humor are amazing. I'm looking forward so much to exploring positive psychology and all the other things with her. So let me give you a quick intro and we will get to it. Dr Wendy is a Stanford-trained positive psychologist and success coach. She helps women design their most meaningful, intentional and fulfilling lives. Utilizing her evidence-based success method, dr Wendy has helped thousands of women worldwide live a life they are obsessed with. Welcome to no Shrinking Violets, wendy.

Wendy: 4:09

Thank you so much, Mary. I can't wait to have this conversation with you today.

Mary: 4:14

All right. So I always start with having my guests tell us a little bit about their own life hurdles that inspired them to pursue the work that they do. So what are, what do you feel like are the most important parts of your story?

Wendy: 4:29

I would say the most important parts start back in seventh grade when my professor of psychology at the time so this is middle school introduced the concept of having a career in psychology and what people who pursue psychology degrees can do with it. And one of the things that she had said was you could be a clinical psychologist, you could have a practice, and people come to you because they're upset or sad or struggling or having some challenges in their lives. They need support. And I immediately thought to myself this is what I want to do for my life. This is what I want to do for my life. This is what I want to do for my career. It's a no brainer. I already do this for my friends, for free. I can get paid to help people feel better. Like this is so like. Why isn't everybody like trying to grab for the spot of clinical psychologists right now? And I? That was where the seed was planted and it never departed. It's so odd to me that at that time I felt such a connection with this concept of pursuing psych from a. I can help people hang a shingle, have a nice, sweet little boutique practice and just feel like. It just made me feel excited and happy at the time imagining it. So that was, that was chapter one for me of a pivotal moment.

Wendy: 5:48

Looking back now at the time, I didn't really see it. But looking back now when people say, like, how did you become a psychologist? Or why are you a psychologist? A lot of us have challenges and a lot of us have adversity in our history, and that was absolutely the case for me as well. And so as I look back to how challenging childhood was for me, with my anxiety and with my home environment, I'm like, oh, of course I did, like I was really just a genuinely curious human who wanted to understand how this was my life, and I didn't really realize that for many years after. But seventh grade was a moment Fast forward to me, completing my doctorate in clinical psych, hanging my shingle, much like I had planned, making jam and babies, much like I had planned, and then I discover that I am going to go from my first baby to three babies within two years. So I have my first child. When she was six months old, I was pregnant with twins, and all three girls under two, all three in diapers, was a season of life. That, of course, I didn't anticipate and wasn't whatever prepared means wasn't prepared for. But you rise, you just do what you need to do to figure it out. And it was wonderful in so many ways.

Wendy: 7:06

But one of the major ways that I started to feel really disconnected from my own inner joy was burnout, feeling really burnt out. I was seeing 40 patients a week in a four-day schedule, back to back to back, which when I was younger it was fine. But as soon as I had these children and my energy was just being zapped and zapped, and zapped, it was really difficult for me to give to my patients and then to come home with anything in the reserve for my family, namely my husband. Because I'll never forget the day I came home from work. I'm like walk through the door, so excited to see the babies, and he said to me like have you even looked at me today? And I was thinking I don't, I don't think so. Was I supposed to miss the look at your husband, memo?

Wendy: 7:57

I was so tapped that it went from patients to babies and that's all I had in me and I thought, wow, this is such a wake up moment. I'm not thrilled. Every day I'm feeling dread, I'm having the Sunday scaries. I've never had those before, and I started to say something's got to change. And I know I wanted to stay connected to the work that I'm so passionate about. This is my life, this is my mission, this is what I'm meant to do. It's my purpose Helping people thrive in the ways that I like to do it. This is the way I'm meant to be living in my life.

Wendy: 8:30

However, I didn't feel like that for a while and I was saying to myself at the time, and I literally was saying these words in my head I'm not like, I'm not meant to just survive this life. Are we just surviving this life? What is going on? I'm not thriving at all. And so then I started to explore how to thrive, because my work in clinical psych up until this point was all about recovery from anxiety, recovery from depression, taking you from a place of really struggling to surviving, to being able to function, to hold your job, to hold your relationships. And there is this other world that I've never really tapped into, and it wasn't until I had my own self-awareness. Moment of this can't be as good as it gets, can it? Like I did all the right things? And here I am. Why am I waking up exhausted and depleted.

Wendy: 9:16

So I pursued positive psychology. I found the science of happiness and thought I can't believe there's a science to happiness. This is the coolest thing ever for a science-backed practitioner and dove into it. And then that just became my path to success and happiness. And I said this is exactly what women are needing Specifically I focus on women, but it applies to everybody. But I felt like this is exactly what women are needing.

Wendy: 9:42

We're following these conditioned paths of checking the boxes, going through the motions, doing the right thing, pursuing success However the world defines it for us, and waking up one day saying is this really as good as it gets? How can this be? And that was that aha moment of just realizing the science of happiness is available to all of us If we just are more aware of the tools that will allow us to flourish. Life could be so much better by our design. But so many of us are not aware yet and still continue to check the boxes, languish, go through the motions, live on default and then wonder why we're unhappy. So those are the pivotal moments of my story that got me here, because first it was this clinical desire and then it was this coaching focus, because I wanted to work well beyond survival. I wanted to get people really to a place of waking up, excited for their days, putting their feet on the ground and saying, oh my God, I can't wait for this day. That was my goal.

Mary: 10:48

Yeah, well, there's a couple things you said. First, when you said you saw 40 clients in four days, I got like I felt sick in my stomach because I that you know, doing the work, it's you have to be so focused. So I just think about the work, it's you have to be so focused. So I just think about what that was like for you to do that and then be a mom and a wife, because, yeah, that's part of it Sometimes slips to the bottom of the list, so that's amazing.

Mary: 11:15

But you know, when I was trained quite a bit before you, positive psychology wasn't even a thing yet, and when it started to be a thing, it was this woo, woo. Why are we focusing on feeling good? Because we're so much about, I'll just say, united States, we're so much about figuring out what's wrong with us, and I think women do that so much more because we're very aware of our inner landscape and so we feel a certain way or we, like you just articulated, we have a job, we have children, we have a family, and I don't know if you really did make jam, but that's an endeavor too, I did make jam.

Wendy: 11:53

And then I realized this is not as fun as I thought. Forget it, but it was a goal. The vision of my life was I want to make jam and babies and have a small private practice and life. That's all I need and want. And then you do all the things and jam wasn't always cut out to be in my mind. The private practice was incredibly successful. I had two practices, thriving practices and. But we think the goal is more or excess, or being full or at capacity, and then we realize there's cost to that and consequence to that and we don't realize typically until we get to that place. Yeah, and then we realize there's cost to that and consequence to that, and we don't realize typically until we get to that place.

Mary: 12:27

Yeah, and you talked about design. So I feel like sometimes we as women get to this point and we think this is how it's supposed to feel. It's supposed to feel overwhelming, and that means we're doing all the things we're supposed to do. So pivot a little bit and talk about what do you mean when you talk about life by design?

Wendy: 12:48

It's my favorite thing to talk about. So let's do it, because this is really where we get to shift our thinking from it's so hard to it gets to be light. And I say this to my clients all the time, and in the beginning especially, I kind of get the eye roll, and that's okay because I know eventually it does sink in and it does become their reality. But we have this ingrained acceptance of it's supposed to feel hard and I'm supposed to be busy, and busyness is a badge of honor, and I'm supposed to be overexerting myself and saying yes to everything and boundaries would make me the B word and I just this is how it is, this is my lot, this is how we do and the reality is it's BS. And if our goal is, if any of our goals are to just be our best self for those that we love, if any of our goals are to just be our best self for those that we love, the way that we do that is to actually reclaim our time, our energy, our focus and our lives. And so a life by design and the way I created it is taking into account the parts of us that really matter the most. What our strengths are our true character strengths, what we're naturally good at and you picked up on my humor, so that is a top character strength for me, and that's actually one of the reasons that I started to shift away from more of the clinical focus was because I felt like in this coaching world, where all things felt possible, open and not constrained by a particular process, that I could be more me. And so I realized that as I went into more of a coaching model of clients, my strengths got to be more highlighted, which brought my best self out, which allowed my clients to succeed even more because I'm bringing my best to the table.

Wendy: 14:41

So we talk about what I call your inner compass, or your North star. It's your strengths, your values, what matters most to you, that so many of us lose touch with because we put others values ahead of ours. And then, thirdly, our desires, and this is usually the muted version of many women. What are? What do I like, what do I want? I don't even know anymore, and that's not uncommon. So if that's how you're feeling, you're not alone. But when we take those three pieces, this trifecta your strengths, your values, your desires we marry them together and we map out what I call the roadmap of your life by design. We roadmap your next chapter so that it is actually a true reflection of how you wanted to feel when you started following all the conditioned paths of success. That's how you wanted to feel is what we create.

Wendy: 15:38

What many people don't realize and I'm sure you've talked about this, but what we're really pursuing isn't the next thing, it's not the next position, role, scaling the business, getting the new house, getting the new status symbol. It's really about a feeling. We're pursuing a feeling. We can collapse time by creating that feeling now, in the present, and not convincing ourselves that we can't have that because that would take a total overhaul of our lives. But we start incrementally roadmapping out our happiest next chapter. That's when we actually get to see results much faster. So that is what a life by design is. It's truly about giving yourself permission to step into the driver's seat, to get out of the passenger seat of your life, to put your fear in the passenger seat and to go boldly and courageously forward, regardless of what your old beliefs may have told you are true.

Mary: 16:36

Yeah Well, and you talking about you know, sort of pivoting to coaching that is. I mean, I love that there's so many definitions of coaching, but when somebody comes from being trained in the mental health field and then takes this route, I think it's awesome because I understand what you say. When you say you can be more of yourself, there's so many rules around therapy which there should be, but it's really all about the client and it still is in coaching. But you get to really show the client who you are. I think so much more and I think we can be so much more effective sometimes when we take that role.

Mary: 17:21

So the one thing that I'm thinking sitting here and I'm thinking of people listening to this and feeling that feeling of overwhelm and thinking, wendy, like how the hell am I supposed to take time to start to look at these things in my life? So when you have somebody who's coming because I'm sure you hear that, because we think life happens to us, right, but it happens through us so when there's somebody who is like how would I even start to do that? What would you say to them?

Wendy: 17:53

Audit your time.

Wendy: 17:55

Just let the facts speak for themselves. Audit your time. Take 48 hours, 72 hours, and write down everything you do from morning to night for three straight days. There's no. Just start there. Just start with data collection. Just start by gathering information and looking at that information and asking yourself a couple of key questions like was that time well spent?

Wendy: 18:18

According to me, what I value, who I am, how I want to spend my time did that align with it? Why or why not? For example, I might notice that 30 to 60 minutes of a day was spent cooking. Now, I don't love to cook. However, it is a value of mine to be the cook of the family, to share with my children what it's like to be home, making food together, talking together, having that experience. It's not about the cooking which I don't really love or enjoy. It's so messy and it's confusing. There's so much pressure for my children to like it, and so there's that piece of it. But there is a question I'd ask myself Is that a good use of my time or is that how I would want to spend my time, generally speaking?

Wendy: 19:20

Zoomed out lens how much time are you scrolling? How much time are you just checking emails over and over again. How much time are you using in ways that don't actually support the way you want to feel? In a day, you will be, eyes wide open, shocked how much time we actually spend doing things that don't align with the version of us we want to be. And let's say you're not scrolling and you say to me Wendy, I don't spend any time on social media and all my apps are deleted and I'm just so busy with all my obligations and responsibilities, to which I would say look at those responsibilities. Are we saying yes too much? Are those yeses aligned with how you want to spend your time? So, for example, yes is aligned with how you want to spend your time. So, for example, I have three children.

Wendy: 20:08

There are a plentitude of opportunities for me to volunteer at school and to help and to give of my time, and I do, however, very selectively. When I scroll down the list of volunteer opportunities and I see one that says bring in cupcakes, I'm like got it. When I see one that says check the lost and found for any kiddos name so we can get it back to their right classroom, I'm on it. When I see volunteering that says you know, create this craft and do this thing and come in for it. I'm not there, I'm not going.

Wendy: 20:38

So we can still live lives that are aligned with what matters most to us, but there has to be a level of discernment with our commitments in order for us to protect our energy, our spirit, our zest and our joy.

Wendy: 20:53

And that's just the bottom line. So it's not a matter of not having enough time, but too many of us are saying yes to things that do not reflect how we truly want to feel and what our values are, because we don't want to disappoint people, let people down whatever it is, and not enough time actually like filling our own cup and lighting ourselves up. I posted last night on social that I got in the tub, and I often get in the tub and it's just the best little place in the world and it's nowhere fancy and it doesn't cost anything and it's just a little space for myself. But it's one of those things I will get comments in the DMs of like, how do you have time for a bubble bath? How did you do? And I think to myself there's no alternative to me that life doesn't have the spaciousness, the freedom, the flow. Otherwise I'm not going to be happy, and neither will those around me, because I'll be just a grumpy old lady.

Mary: 21:46

I did see your bubble bath picture, did you? Yeah, did you think to yourself? I was looking at it, I was like, oh, and it looked like you had a little bit of a tan on your knees.

Wendy: 21:55

So, anyway, I did and I love the way the light came in and I was like, oh, look at my tan knees, all the things, they're bad.

Mary: 22:01

A bad mom a bad, human and the idea of worthiness. So when you see this list, as a parent of all the activities at school, I'm going to guess and I don't know your husband at all, I'm going to generalize to men men would not look at that list and feel like they needed to go in and do a craft or feel bad if they didn't go in and do a craft. We have a different template in our brains, but it is a set of beliefs that are just false.

Wendy: 22:49

True, yeah, it's true. And so then that's where the question becomes what do I want to believe? Because instead of just carrying these beliefs that just seem like they're ingrained so they must be true my husband yesterday volunteered to do the pickup the drop off. The pickup, the drop off he's like you, just get your stuff done whatever you want to do. And it was funny because I noticed this thought in my head that just popped right in that said well, he's doing all this extra stuff. I should dot, dot, dot, I should do this, and then I should do that, because if he's doing this, then I want to make sure I'm carrying my side. And then it was this funny automatic dialogue. And then I stopped myself, of course, and I just said there's no should here. The question is, how do I want to spend time? And at 8 pm tonight, when we're back together as a family, how do I want to feel? That's the question. The question is what should I do? Because if he's this, then I'm this.

Wendy: 23:49

Stop tethering yourself to something external to you as your reason to do it. This is a really big, pivotal piece for people to really get this idea that what they're doing means I'm supposed to do something in response to because what she's doing, I'm supposed to, that doesn't exist. Ask yourself how do I want to feel? And so, yes, I cooked the dinner, I cleaned the kitchen and I did some laundry, and I did those things but not because I should, because he's helping.

Wendy: 24:16

I did them because what I want to feel when my family walks back in the door is like I did my piece. I did things that made me feel productive and good. I checked things off the list and now I'm free to snuggle and relax and hang out together and not be the busy mom. So you know, consumed by the next thing to do before bedtime. I wanted to feel present, and so that drive came from the place of how do I want to feel. I want to feel present when the girls get home. All right, what will help me do that? To get some stuff done and then to take a bath.

Mary: 24:46

Yes, Well, I love that you said that you started to have those automatic thoughts, because I think also there's a misunderstanding that when you do the work, you do that you're above all of that programming and you're not, and that's what makes you good at what you do, because you recognize we all struggle with similar things. So I love that.

Wendy: 25:11

That's right, and we can't stop the thoughts, especially those that have been around a while. We can't stop thoughts in their tracks, but we can notice them and we get to choose how we respond to them. Do I want to believe this? Do I want this thought to guiding or leading my decision right now? Or is there something else available to me that I could choose to think or hook into, to guide my choices and my decisions? So the awareness piece is really key. It's not like no one's above it.

Wendy: 25:38

And people would say to me and this is a common question back in the day it was just how you're a positive psychologist, which basically I just made up the words. It's not really a thing. You're a positive psychologist Like what does that mean? Like you're always happy. And I just thought, huh, what an interesting thing that people would think that your title means that's who you are. Since when do our you know roles or career titles actually reflect exactly who we are Number one, number two. That's not what positive psychology is anyway.

Wendy: 26:08

So people misunderstand it and think it's this Pollyanna approach to life rose colored glasses, everything's great. Just put on a smile, it's not that bad. It talks with positivity. Stuff used to come out around the COVID time. That's exactly why people misunderstand this work. This is work. This is gritty, it's not sexy all the time. Most of the time it's kind of like rote and repeated and right. It's just what we know, we know science about habit change, behavior change, belief, mindset change. So it's not going to be this kind of exciting thing all the time and people think, oh, it must be, you must be so happy and so positive and all the things, and it's. That's not the truth, just real people doing real things. But we just respond differently.

Mary: 26:51

Yeah, there's an idea that if you find that you read the perfect quote or you see the perfect meme on social media bing like you're just happy, then it changes the whole life. And it doesn't. It's an intentional. What you're talking about is very intentionally observing your life.

Wendy: 27:11

And participating, yeah, and taking back it almost the way I would describe it in the beginning. For people especially because a lot of women that come into my world feel what they're longing for is the how how do I get there? I know I want something better than this. They may not know what, they just know it needs to be different than this. And how do I get there? And so that's a big piece that we talk about, obviously, but one of the parts of the how is basically getting into a car that doesn't have power steering. So it's a very deliberate, it's a very intentional shift back to the work, back to the self-awareness, back to the interventions we talk about, and it's not going to feel organic or natural in the beginning by any means. So it is extremely intentional and deliberate, and it's not all shiny and fun and exciting, although the backdrop is like the overall picture of what we're going for is optimizing our lives and ourselves. But that doesn't mean it's not going to take some elbow grease, so to speak.

Mary: 28:20

Yeah, and it makes me think about the journey that I took after I left the full-time world of therapy and I'm trying to, you know, doing the podcast, and I just finished the first draft of a book and you're figuring out how to kind of segue to coaching. I think when I'll go back to what you said about people, 40 clients a week is a lot. So that really I feel like that is such a giving of yourself. And as you make this turn, it's thinking about what lights me up what kind of work do I want to do that really accommodates the things that I want in my life?

Mary: 28:53

And I know the mistake I made is I looked at what everybody else was doing. Oh, I have to do this email funnel and I have to do this thing, and I got to make a course and so I did all the things but inside it didn't feel right. But I think it was a whole like when the whole landscape is open, it's like what do you do? So I think people make the mistake of looking at other people on social media and, just like they did with your little post about taking a bath, they look at that and think, oh, that must be her life, all the time, and it's not it's not how it works Right and must be nice, right.

Wendy: 29:28

People will say that must be nice. You'll see those reels going around which I love, must be nice to do, do, do. And then you, they show the hard work that goes into it. You know, we just assume so much at first glance. Also, though, in all fairness to my followers on social, I don't actually share much besides the positive the design piece.

Wendy: 29:49

I don't share much of the behind the scenes thought process around the shoulds or the, and I and I want to share more of that because, in all truth, and I want to share more of that because, in all truth, I forget about it so fast.

Wendy: 30:03

So when I have those moments, those fleeting thoughts that come in and out, I don't think, oh, I should post this or I should create a thing and I should share this so that women understand that no one's above it and no one's safe from it, and no matter if you're an expert or not, you're relatable. But I forget about it so fast because I'm on to the next thing that I don't. So it's a nice reminder of the importance of sharing a bit more of that other side of the reality, because often I'm focused on. Oh my gosh, I need to show women what's possible, what's possible, what's possible. So I show the good and the great and then I don't think, oh, share the struggle or the challenge or the resilience you know creating moments. I just think I want them to see what's possible and that's where I get really hooked in.

Mary: 30:47

Yeah, and I think that part is important, because mindset and you know, showing what's possible. But I think you're right that it's. There is this idea that for some people there is this idea that for some people it's easy and for all of us it doesn't matter whether we work, doing this work or not. It's intentional and there are days where you don't feel at the top of your game. So I want to talk about strengths because I think it's interesting. I have my clients do an intake form and one of the questions on there is what are your strengths, what are you good at? And it is the most skipped question, the one that most people don't answer. So it seems to me that people really have a hard time shifting from that idea of well, here are the issues I have, here's where I'm not happy too, oh, but here are the things that I enjoy and that I'm good at. Do you find that in your work?

Wendy: 31:46

It's a really interesting question. It had me thinking about where is my strength necklace? Oh, here it is. So, oh, where's my little tag? I gotta show you my little, my adorable little tag. I think I put it in some fancy holder the other day when I was organizing my new office space, but I keep my strengths, as you can see if I wasn't in a new office. Okay, here they are. I keep my strengths right here in this little envelope. And so what will?

Wendy: 32:15

What I believe will help your clients answer that question and not skip it is to actually have them do the VIA character strength assessment. Yes, when we ask people an open-ended question, especially women, what are you good at Right? It's like I don't know Like I can make a good lasagna, I don't know. Jam, maybe. Jam, maybe a couple of babies it puts us in this deer in headlights experience where it's like okay, no, that's like way too big of a question. A lot of times we feel easily overwhelmed by some of the bigger questions. And then when you're asking women to kind of brag about themselves not that that's what the point of the question, but that's how it's perceived it can cause that shutdown's what the point of the question, but that's how it's perceived. It can cause that shutdown because now the fear is that whatever they put down, is it going to be judged or evaluated. Instead, if they do the VIA character strengths assessment, we can include a link to that in the show notes.

Wendy: 33:10

Your audience can do their own assessment. It's a totally free assessment, but I have all my clients do this when we're starting out, especially my one-to-one work. Do this and then this is your guide, and then I do the values assessment with them and I keep this as a as a another marker of am I on the right track? So we have less difficulty answering questions when questions are a little easier to understand and to just pick a dot. You know, answer a question multiple choice style versus this big thing.

Wendy: 33:43

Because, much to your point, we're not thinking every day like, oh, what are my strengths and where do I shine and what am I good at? And let me just like give myself a pat on the back for doing this. It's not how we're wired. But when we know how to answer the question and then our strengths are essentially populated for us, we're like, oh, yeah, okay, yeah, I get that Right.

Wendy: 34:03

You know humor, number four out of my five character strengths yeah, okay, that makes sense. Right, or zest, I'm not naturally just excited person about life. Oh, that makes sense. That that's who I am. So when you have clients do it this way, you have women have access to tools that allow them to take away the wide open space of deer and headlights we can make some really fun realization. So that's where I would say, just to answer that, because I think I was thinking well, I haven't really discovered that in my work and this is probably why it's because I'm not asking that open-ended, as much as I'm saying do this assessment, we'll know exactly what your strengths are.

Mary: 34:42

That's a great point and it makes me think about also the concept of values. So I think that's also something where, when you say what do you value, people might say, well, I value family or what are some? There's a lot of, there's a huge list of values if you look at all kinds of values. So what are some things that people might consider when they're thinking about okay, what are my values?

Wendy: 35:08

To do the values card sort that I do with my clients so that again it's less of this 100 word list of values. And then you're sitting there just thinking I don't know. They all seem kind of important. There's a process that you can go through to help you sort through your values and to make categories and to break it down and to funnel it down until you get to your top five core values. So that process again, when we start to take out the piece of resistance that is, not knowing, not having anything to tether it to the context, doesn't make a lot of sense. We're overwhelmed by the number of choices we have. This is why I only like to shop at Trader Joe's. There's too many choices at any major grocery store and I hate it. It's overwhelming. But take me to Trader Joe's and I'm like if it's not here, I don't need it. I tell myself that.

Wendy: 36:02

So when we really allow ourselves to go from broad to more narrow, it's so much easier to be like that's right. Purpose is my top value, genuineness is my value, autonomy is my value. It makes sense. And then you're asking yourself, essentially, does my life reflect these? And we should give? I'm just thinking I have a free purpose planner worksheet that actually highlights strengths and values, desires, and you go through this monthly so that you can stay connected to where you want to go. We should create a link for that so that your listeners can just print it out and start to play with this idea of okay, let's go from broad to narrow and start to see what I want my month to look like, especially as we start new months, new years, new quarters. It's a really great tool to make it a little bit less confusing.

Mary: 36:53

Yeah, I love that, okay, cool, okay. So one of the things that we talked about, because I love to do the how-tos, so we've talked a lot about how-tos, but I like this idea of auditing. So, really taking a second, even if you're thinking I don't have time to write it down, take a second, jot down what you do every day for three days, just to get the bird's eye view, because I think we can think, oh, I don't really scroll that much and then you realize, oh, I spent five hours over three because it is a mindless thing. When we're overwhelmed, we tend to go towards the mindless thing. So are there other things to cultivate a more positive mindset?

Wendy: 37:38

I love to share this very simple exercise, and it's a really powerful one, and it takes less than one minute once you get used to it. When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself a couple of important questions about your day. Number one how do I want to feel today? And you must insert an emotion in the blank. I want to feel proud, I want to feel relaxed, I want to feel productive, I want to feel hopeful, I want to feel peace or whatever it is. What. How do I want to feel? The second question is what is a thought that helps generate that feeling for me? What is a thought that helps me feel that feeling essentially? And the third question is what is one behavior, one action I can take today that will give me the best chance to have that feeling as well? So let's say you wake up and you don't touch your phone. Okay, yeah, they were imagining a world where you don't touch your phone and you just connect with yourself and you say how do I want to feel today, and maybe today's Monday, and you're like I want to feel productive today.

Wendy: 38:53

Then you ask yourself what is the thought that gives me the best chance to feel productive? And you'd say something like I've got this, I've got it, let's go. That's what I would say to myself. Okay, great, I locked in the thought. So I'm going to repeat that to myself throughout the day I've got this, let's go. I've got this, let's go. And I can repeat it once, I can repeat it 1,000 times. It's just again a marker of intentionality around the design of a day.

Wendy: 39:22

And then number three what is one action I can do today to give me the best chance to feel productive? Oh, I'm going to write down the list that is circling my brain so that I know exactly what I'm accomplishing. And if I want to add a bonus action, I'm going to create a 30 minute, 20 minute, 10 minute, 60 minute power session where all I do is go down that list and knock as many things out uninterrupted phone is in a different room as I can. So this is how we actually set ourselves up to not only think positively, feel positively, but literally align the way that we're living with the way we want to feel.

Wendy: 40:02

It's not just I want to feel happy today, so I'm just going to feel happy today. You can choose that. If you're advanced, you can just probably choose that and start to feel it. But for the rest of us we need to connect the dots more, to create a more all inclusive approach to having a great day. For many of us it can't just be think positive, it needs to be tethered to reality. So when we do that, this one minute morning exercise can be all you need as the reminder of what you want today to be. And you just insert those reminders throughout the day and you're good to go.

Mary: 40:36

Yeah, it's not effortless. If somebody appears happy all the time, there's some work that has been done behind that and what you're talking about. First of all, I love don't pick up your phone, because I started to do that. That's my first thing when I wake up. I want to reach for that phone and I make myself take even if it's 60 seconds and again, people might think I don't have time to lay in bed. You're not laying in bed. You're taking 60 seconds to intentionally say I'm going to be in this moment for a second and let myself wake up and then following do those things that you talked about, because what starts to happen is it rewires the way your brain works.

Wendy: 41:19

People will often think that you know, neuroscience is so complicated and how am I ever going to rewire my brain and neuroplasticity and what's that? And it just feels it goes over a lot of people's heads, not because they can't understand it, but because it doesn't feel simple enough to grab onto. And this is a perfect example of something so simple to grab onto that is effective in rewiring the way you think and rewiring the way you show up to your day in your life and you make those little, that one shift every morning, five days, six days, seven days in a row. Watch your, watch your life transform just from this one exercise.

Mary: 41:57

Yeah, it's simple. I think things that are simple sometimes are really powerful, because we think, well, what good is that going to do? That's very woo-woo and it really. I mean, you're already often thinking negatively. You know, I'm so tired, I'm so overwhelmed. I don't want it to be this way. You're just putting other things in place of it. That changed your outlook Right, yeah, that's right. Your outlook Right, yeah, that's right. So one thing I'm curious about, as you've been talking how do you help your kids embrace?

Wendy: 42:32

all of this. If only I could bring my daytime hat into my nighttime mothering, I would be a much better mom. I try, I try. So funny enough, gosh, it was just the other day. Oh, this is so funny.

Wendy: 42:47

So just the other day my daughter, charleston, said Mom, we learned about growth mindset today. And it was this moment of realization. This is a funny realization and I haven't really flushed it out so you can come on the journey with me. It was a really funny realization of me thinking, yeah, of course, like of course you know, but what growth mindset is? Like? You're my daughter. But then it was this realization of I've never talked to you about it. I have my work hat and my life hat and I live it the same. I'm the same person here as I am over there. However, it's not the conversations I'm having as I raise my children.

Wendy: 43:31

Yet one of my biggest complaints in the field and in this work that I do is why don't more people know? Why aren't we teaching people younger and younger and younger how to lay a foundation for the good life? And here I am, as such, an advocate for this. This is my mission, and in my own home, my daughter discovers growth mindset and I've been talking about it forever but never to her, and so it was a really crazy realization. So an area of growth for me is to start bringing these conversations into my home Now. The way I'd like to do that is maybe Sunday night class with mom and I teach them a concept, because that just sounds fun, and I'd love to do this, for I thought about doing this for, like, teen and adolescent girls actually on a larger scale, because we need it, they need it. But how I really bring it in is how I coach them in challenging moments. It in is how I coach them in challenging moments. So the moments they come home they just started a new school in a new town, in a new state where they know nobody, and their courage to show up on that first day is absolutely admirable and incredible to me, and they did, and they came home with different reactions to their day, and so those types of moments are where I step in and coach them. Okay, so we've got some things in our control. We've got some things that are not in our control. What happened over the day wasn't in our control, with so-and-so did or said, but how we choose to one interpret what was said and done and not done, and what we do with that information is where we have control, so I would talk to them about that. And what we do with that information is where we have control, so I would talk to them about that. Oh, you weren't spoken to. Or oh, you made no friends. Okay, here's how I want you to think this through. So it does come into those types of conversations, but it needs to be more of a conversation Like it's almost like I think there's a hidden fear.

Wendy: 45:21

I don't want to be the psychologist mom. Yeah, I don't want to be the psychologist mom. Yeah, I don't want my kids to. And this again is a total like story in my head. There's there's nothing that's made I'm. Having the psychologist mom is an amazing opportunity, but the way I think about a psychologist mom analyzing everything, wanting to dive like, dive um, dive into everything, unpack everything, process everything I don't want to be that mom that my kids feel like oh, here we go again. Mom's got to do this with us every time. We just want to have a quick comment about something. I want to respect their process of life and their experience of life, and so I don't insert myself very much, but when I do, those are the moments when there's challenges, of course, when they're asking for support. What do I say, what do I do? Or I'm sad about this, and we start to reframe it.

Wendy: 46:11

My daughter started gymnastics at a new gym. Right, we just moved here and her reaction to it was I can't do this, I'm not strong enough. This is not at all like my other gym. I not at all like my other gym. I cannot cut it. And she felt like I'm the worst on the team. No way am I going to continue, I can't.

Wendy: 46:31

And I sat her down and I said to her this is simply an issue of strength.

Wendy: 46:38

This is not a conversation about ability. This is strength right now. This is not that you're not ever able to be at that level. This is about we need to catch your strength up to where they're performing right now. So this is just simple math. That's how I was seeing it. We just need to get you to the gym. We're going to lift some weights, we're going to do this and that and that those are options to you, or you can quit if you want to, because you're intimidated and I understand you don't want to walk back in there and she chose the route of strength building. She chose it to try it on for size to see if it worked. And sure enough, two weeks later she literally said mom, I'm so much stronger I can't believe I can do this stuff now. And so those moments I try to remember the tools that I use with my clients as a mother, but more often I'm just mom and I don't insert myself a ton and I don't bring these terms into our conversations, and I probably could a bit more.

Mary: 47:32

Yeah, I think you illustrate it, though. I mean you're teaching growth mindset, you just don't label it and I think even the life that you lead when we you know. To kind of rewind back to the beginning, we talked about women feeling like if they're not overwhelmed, they're not doing something right. But that affects your kids. They see someone, even if you try to hide it. They are very perceptive. So when they can see a parent who really does this intentional thought process, actions based on, you know, wanting a certain outcome, that in itself, I think, is really powerful.

Wendy: 48:12

Thank you, I think I would agree with that, but modeling is the most important, powerful piece. Right, it doesn't have to come down to using the right words or the right language, but and that's also the difference when you were talking a bit about shifting into the coaching model, that was actually another piece of it for me was coaching really is more about the embodiment of being your best self, so that those who come into your world can see that you're living proof of what's possible, which is again why I probably share more of the possibility versus the challenge stuff. So when we think about it from that way, it's like with our, with my children too. I really want to show them what's possible.

Wendy: 48:50

There's something, there's an alternative to the way you're interpreting this. There's an alternative to the way you're thinking through this. Like I need to show you this alternative. I can't let you, in my in good faith, just grow up to like have your stories without me trying to snip it or stop it or or kind of like influence it a little bit and show them the tools. But you're right, I'm not saying it, but maybe I'm modeling it. So there is that. It does come into motherhood, I'm sure, but there are obviously the moments that I don't create space between stimulus and response and girlfriend is just reacting with my impatience. So that happens too.

Mary: 49:24

Well, yeah, and I think we're made to compare ourselves. So when your daughter went into this new experience with gymnastics, she's looking around like I'm not cut out for this. You're able to reframe that, that it's about something different than what you think this is about, and that then, just without you observing like, see, we're putting a different frame on it, or where it's sure she will then be able to think more that way, just naturally. So that's where I also want people to see because many women do have children and have this impact on them that if you have trouble wanting to embrace, working with you or working with a coach to live a life that you feel fulfilled, if you need a little bit of a different reason, think about how you show up for your family, because there is a big impact on that and that might make some people feel like, oh okay, there's actually another part of this. If it's hard for somebody to just step into that space as an individual woman.

Wendy: 50:28

Sure, I think, yeah, you know, looking into our own motivators, our own drive, our values and that's a big thing that does motivate us right is pain. So when we are living a life that is not in line with our values, we feel it which I call like hit, like we hit the rumble strip. We're on the highway, we think we're doing all the things, and then we hit the rumble strip, which is the discontent, which is the dissatisfaction with life, which is the languishing, which is the waking up exhausted or depleted, and that rumble strip is the reminder that we need to reconnect with what we value. And if your values are how you show up for other people and how they receive you and how you experience your relationships, which is obviously the number one predictor of happiness, the quality of your relationships matters so much. It's a great reason to be in a supportive environment with somebody who can lead you through it.

Wendy: 51:19

I think the other piece that tends to be pretty motivating for people is when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. A lot of people wait too long until it's, you know, the 11th hour to desperately seek support, but it's like when you're kind of just tired of going around what I call the mulberry bush and we're just going around the mulberry bush again and we're the same patterns and the same results and the same frustrations time and time again. We need to give ourselves just the opportunity to consider an alternative Like what if I was in an environment that actually laid a foundation for momentum and purpose building and accountability and actually connecting yourself to growth, instead of just telling yourself I just need to do this on my own?

Mary: 52:00

Yeah, and we wait often till our bodies get involved, till we're sick or, like you said, the 11th hour where it's like, oh, now I have to do something. So I think let's preempt that and take some action now. And you've given so many great insights and options today, and I will link the things that we talked about in the show notes so, before we end, can you review for us where to find you and what you offer?

Wendy: 52:29

The best place to find me is Instagram, at Dr Wendy O'Connor. Come say hi, introduce yourself. I love that. I'm on everything right now, all platforms, but that's really the place I hang out the most.

Wendy: 52:40

And I have an upcoming free masterclass coming up called the Fierce Finishers, which is for women who do not want to coast to the end of the year and they really want to end 2025 feeling proud and that they made the changes they thought they would make in January and at the end of the year, feeling that sense of connection to power, strength, results, just proving to themselves they've got this. So I have that coming up. And then I have what's called Thrive 75, which is going to be a 75-day accountability program to keep you on track with overcoming self-doubt, poking into the right mindset and having the habits build for designing your life. So I have a couple of fun things in the works, but also, of course, some women are just like I don't want any of the group stuff. I want to do my own thing with you. Of course, you can also reach out to me about those opportunities too.

Mary: 53:31

Oh, I love all of that. I love the Thrive 75.

Wendy: 53:34

It's going to be really fun yeah.

Mary: 53:36

Well, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it Thank you.

Wendy: 53:40

Mary, thank you, I loved being here.

Mary: 53:42

And I want to thank everyone for listening. I would love so much if you take a second to scroll to the bottom of the show page and give me a quick rating, and if you have an extra minute, leave a comment. And I want to tell you I'm so thrilled that y'all are the reason that I hit the top 10% of podcasts globally. So please help other women find me and my content and, until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are. Thank you.