Breaking Free from "Must": Reclaiming Your Choices

Do you find yourself constantly weighed down by obligations that don't truly belong to you? That nagging voice inside your head declaring "I must do this" may be what psychologist Albert Ellis provocatively termed "musturbation."

Building on our previous exploration of Ellis's concept of "shoulding all over yourself," this mini-episode delves into another powerful insight from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. While "should" statements shame us after the fact, "must" statements create an overwhelming sense of responsibility that can leave us exhausted and resentful. The difference might seem subtle, but understanding it can transform how you approach obligations in your life.

We explore the crucial distinction between being "responsible" and "response-able." Many of us unconsciously shoulder burdens that were never ours to carry – from always planning dinner to constantly smoothing the path for our children. As I explain, "We carry an awful lot of rocks in our backpack that don't have our name on them." This pattern can have serious consequences, particularly for children whose parents never allow them to develop the skills to navigate difficulties or disappointments independently.

The next time you feel that crushing weight of "I must do this," pause and ask yourself: "Is this truly my responsibility?" Remember that you can influence situations without owning the outcome. You can contribute without carrying the entire burden. By recognizing your tendency toward "musturbation" and challenging those irrational beliefs, you can reclaim your choices and set healthier boundaries. Take a moment to reflect on which "musts" are truly serving you, and which ones you might be ready to put down. Your backpack – and your mind – will thank you.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Ellis's Masturbation Concept
• 1:35 The Inner Voice of "Must"
• 2:42 Questioning Parental Responsibilities
• 4:50 Recognizing Your True Responsibilities
• 6:30 Reflection and Call to Action

Transcript

Hey, welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violence. So I'm going to continue on a topic that I talked about in mini episode 46, where I discussed "shoulding all over yourself,” and it comes from Albert Ellis, who was the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, and basically, shoulding all over yourself is using the word “should” to kind of shame yourself after the fact or even before the fact I should exercise today and instead you could say I could exercise today. You know, emphasizing you have a choice instead of putting that pressure on yourself when truly there are times where you know maybe your body needs a break. So we're going to talk about another concept that Ellis talked about, and that is MUSTurbation. So, as you can tell, by these two concepts shoulding all over yourself and musturbation he was a little bit irascible. I've seen videos of him working with clients and his confrontation, which is actually a tool in therapy and is important to be used judiciously, but he was not for everyone because he could be a little bit rough. Anyway, musturbation is very similar to shoulding all over yourself. It's the idea that you must do something in order to be successful, or I'm going to expand it a little bit and also, at the same time maybe zoom in a little bit on a specific situation.

Mary: 1:41

So we often use the word must in our brains and a lot of this are things that we're telling ourselves inside our head. So the inner critic is kind of summing things up with these declarative sentences like I really must do this thing. And in the sense of must, that ties into responsibility. It's a different shade than using the word should. So when we think about responsibility and I've talked about this before in the past, responsible versus response able that you don't need to take responsibility for many of the things in life that you probably are taking responsibility for. So, in other words, when somebody asks something of you, we can have that pressure internally. You can call it anxiety, whatever.

Mary: 2:37

It is this sense that we must do the thing that somebody wants us to do, or we must do the thing that we've always done. So, for instance, maybe in your relationship you tended to be the one that always planned dinner, or you always did the grocery shopping, or you always cleaned the toilets, and maybe you took that on in a different frame of mind, thinking you know, this is something that I have to do and after a while you realized I don't really want to be responsible for this all the time and you can speak up. Sometimes it's a situation where and this is a quite a bit more complex, but maybe with your children you feel like you must always intervene and smooth the path in front of them. And this is high stakes because if you don't allow your kids to develop the skill of navigating their own conflicts, or even navigating disappointment, you're really setting them up to be a little bit handicapped. And it can be hard, because sometimes we truly need to advocate for our kids if they have a special need or they are being treated unfairly, but trying to do that in a way where you involve them. You know, how are you feeling about this? Um, here's how I'm going to intervene. Let's talk about this when they're old enough to be able to process that, or you don't need to leave them alone to flounder. You can guide them.

Mary: 4:13

But I think this sense of I must think do certain things to protect my child is sometimes true, but having worked with college students, I know that there are often times where parents did things for their children along the way that led them to led the children to be in college and have no skills to navigate the world of financial aid or even seeking help or seeking support when they need it, because they never had to do it. So, in a different vein, maybe you have always been the one in your family that hosted a holiday and you feel like I must do this Anytime. You feel an obligation or a responsibility to do something that really isn't yours to carry, and I talk about this sometimes as putting rocks in your backpack. We carry an awful lot of rocks in our backpack that don't have our name on them. So I think, these two things going together, the idea of are you unconsciously pressuring yourself with this word, must this irrational belief that you must always do what you've always done in the past or you must take responsibility for the fallout or the outcome of situations that aren't your responsibility, outcome of situations that aren't your responsibility, and ask that question is this my responsibility? Because you are response-able, you can make a lot of decisions to influence the outcome or contribute to a situation. That doesn't mean you have to keep that rock in your backpack and carry it around if you don't want to continue to do that, rock in your backpack and carry it around if you don't want to continue to do that.

Mary: 6:03

So be aware of your tendency to engage in musturbation and try to really reflect on that Instead of being judgmental. When you recognize you have that sense of obligation, ask yourself truly if it doesn't feel good to you to be thinking that I must do this certain thing. Ask yourself is this truly my responsibility? I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic or my other Albert Ellis mini episode, which was episode 46. You can actually text me directly through the show notes. I can't respond, but I can address it without your name in a future episode or leave a comment. I would also love if you would take a quick second and do a review, because that is how other people can find me and I would love that. Good luck focusing on those inner musts and until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.